It’s over for me. My life is over. I need to die and I should be killed. My life has withered away, I am shriveled, decrepit, spiritually deformed. I have the soul of a house plant coiling and recoiling around its black and wasting self.
My life dishonors god and dishonors myself, my existence is shameful and is odious to the universe.
I can’t write anymore. I’ve lost it. There was something about writing that I was enchanted with, and for the first time, a little while ago, I lost that spark. It flickered with the dimming of my heart.
What have I been doing all this time!? What have I been trying to be? Why must I treat myself with such evil and neglect? How could I not have known what I was?!
I was supposed to be an artist, it was always what I was drawn to do. I’m not a philosopher, I’m not a politician, I’m not even a soldier. I have lived in an unnatural and disgusting way, I’m barely even human anymore. I’m not a “good” man. I strayed so far from what I am I couldn’t even recognize myself; and when clawing blindly through the fog of self-deception I finally found him, I found I hated myself for what he’d done to me.
I treated art like a hobby, I treated myself like a mask. I feel like I did when I first realized I’d turned against myself. When all I’d done in my life was play videogames. How did I ever forgive myself, and how can I ever do it again.
There is no punishment, no suffering, no pain which can serve as recompense for my transgressions. There is no way to atone.
In that moment where the fire flickered, I was afraid. In that moment I had completely unbecome myself, and thought I could never regain what I was meant to be.
When I was writing, I wrote this:
“[War] and I are like a bronze vase; beautiful and hollow. A container containing nothing. A symbol symbolizing nothing. Everything to me which at first looks like it might be monumental, is in fact on further inspection, rubble.”
I need to start praying immediately, and art must be my prayer. Oh god, forgive me for what I have done to myself. Forgive me for mistreating your me.